In San Diego

Jess is basically her normal self. She does not want to go anywhere. She wants to sit on the sofa and play with here DVD player. She did sleep well last night. She slept until 5:30 am. That's pretty good! She does want to tear paper, but so far she has only torn up one magazine I gave her (not Cindy"s books). If fact she is being a very good girl. She is not digging into stuff. She is also very sweet and happy. We shopped for Nicole's stuff yesterday. Then we gave Jess down time. She is also getting down time today. Tomorrow we are going to Sea World. Hopefully Jess will be ready to get out of the house. Tonight I am taking her to the healing room for prayer. I am believing God for a progressive work. I feel God has done a good thing in Jess as a result of the prayers of our Elders. She is super calm & full of joy. She handled the trip very well so far. When I think about it, I have never seen her so good. Yes, I think God has begun a work in her!

The real Disney story

Jess was a mess. She had jet lag so bad & only wanted to stay in our room. My arms are covered with bruises from trying to drag her out of her hole! We went to Disneyland at around noon. The first thing we did is have lunch. The lunch was very nice. After lunch Jess was falling apart so I brought her back to the hotel for a few hours. She did not sleep, but rested. then I dragged her back to Disneyland. I made her ride a ride. She liked it, so we did a few more rides. I even took her on splash Mountain. She actually liked it. At around 6 pm she started to really fall asleep. We slowly made our way to the car. Donna, Cindy, and Nicole stayed an extra hour and Jess slept in the car. I had a good time praying. we drove back to the hotel, and went to bed by 10pm. Jess slept half the night. She got up and wanted to play on her DVD player. I said no. She slept sitting in her chair until 7am.

so ready

Jessica has had a shower and she is already in bed. It's not even 11pm. We leave in the morning at 7am. She is so ready to go. I praise God she is so happy. I hope she has a good flight. Normally she is very afraid on a flight. We have prayed and prayed. I just talked to my parents. They still don't know Jess is coming. I can not wait to see them in a week. How wonderful!!! I've been a mess thinking about the trip. I want so much to see Jess healed. God knows all I can do is come. I can not do much more. I go with so much hope and love in my heart. I'm sure our trip will be wonderful. I don't have any idea what will happen, but I'm sure we will be blessed.

Do you need to be young to have faith?

I listened to an African pastor speak today. He told the story of a young man who heard God call him to go to Bible school in America. He did not know where the school was,he just knew to go. He got a ticket and boarded an airplane. He had no money and no visa. When he arrived in the USA they asked him where he was going and if he had a visa. All he could say was that God told him to come. They put him in jail. When he was in jail he prayed a very passionate prayer. This prayer was heard by a guard who was a Christian. The guard called his pastor. He said pastor, if you can find a place for this man in a Bible school (and pay for the school) I can get him a visa. So the pastor found a school and the guard found a visa, and the young man stepped into his destiny. How did it happen? He followed the voice of God and he did not ask how. The only direction he needed was go. He heard go, and he totally trusted God to meet the need. I use to have faith like this when I was young. Tomorrow I go with Jessica and Nicole to America. I am seeking healing for Jessica. I want to know how...God wants me to just trust him. He tells me to just go. God give me the faith to just go.

What I hear...

I've spent many hours praying for Jessica's healing. I'm very desperate. I don't want autism anymore. I'm so sad I have to pack diapers. I'm sad I have to think about the flight, and the fear Jessica has. It is not what I want. I saw a faithful women who married a man she intended to marry for life. Then he left her for another women. It's Christmas. The women has to drop the kids off at daddy's house. She will be alone. She did nothing wrong. It is not what she planned or hopped for. She was robbed. But it is out of her hands. She must spend Christmas without her family. That is how autism makes me feel. I am robbed! I have to pack diapers for my 16 year old. I have to hold her hand and try to calm her down for the long flight. I hate autism!!! But then I recall how I met Juergen. I did not make that relationship happen. I was set up. God set me up. Some of the very best things that ever happened in my life where arranged by God. When God arranges something, he does it perfectly. So God gives me the feeling he is about to set me up. He is arranging my way. I have to give him my sadness and fear. He will turn it all around. He will wipe away my tears. He will bring beauty for ashes. I feel so sure I am being set up!

i pod

I bought Jessica an i pod with 167GB of storage and a video screen. Juergen is busy loading all her movies. It has a 12 hour battery. She should be able to watch all her movies during the long flight. What an amazing little computer. It has more memory then my laptop. So cool!!!!

The end my fast

I broke my 10 day fast today. First I went to church and prayed with Christian who is an elder in the church. I wanted all the elders to pray for Jessica, but they want to schedule an extended time to do that. I'm not sure Jess will really allow anyone to pray for her for any extended time. I'm not sure it's necessary for a prayer to be long in order for it to be effective. I felt sick physically, and basically felt I had fulfilled what I had set out to do in prayer. This is why I broke my fast. I feel I've done all I can do. Now I can pack for our trip. I wish I did not need to pack diapers, but I think I can not help it. I have to prepare to take Jessica just as she is. I'm very happy I'm taking her. I'm full of joy. Joy was one thing I prayed for. I feel so much joy! I am not going to worry about Jessica being healthy or autistic. I love her, and we will have a wonderful blessed time. At some point I hope God will heal my sweetheart. We will be going to the International house of prayer healing room on Friday the 25Th of July (God willing), and Reinhard Bonnke on July 26Th, and Todd Bentley on July26Th. Those are some pretty powerful opportunities to receive prayer. I will recieve whatever God wants to give us. I'm so open to receive from my good God.

Should we go after healing?

Is it really wrong to want healing for Jessica? Should I just accept that this is how it is? Do I need a sign from God? I do believe in God. I don't think I need God to prove himself. I don't think I need a sign. But God is a compassionate God, and Jessica has a real need. She isn't happy being autistic. She wants to be whole. I want her to be whole. Is autism God's will? I don't think it is. I think sickness and disease is a work of the enemy. Should I just accept the enemy robbing Jessica of her voice and any kind of a normal life? I think I should not accept this. I will always love God, no matter what! But should I accept this? No...I will keep asking, seeking, and knocking. God please give me the faith to keep asking.

Today is the 9Th day of my fast for Jessica's healing. Today I feel like "how am I going to feel if it just does not happen"? I feel really sad. Then I need to remind myself that God is good. I do not know if it will happen, but I know 100% that God is good. I am investing in the kingdom of God. God will honor this investment. I don't know if God will heal Jessica, but I know he will receive my prayers and bless me. I will trust God now. I will trust him with the out come.

I'm still praying

I don't think I wrote it down but I've been fasting and praying for Jessica's healing. I guess it's been 6 days so far. I plan to fast , God willing until next Sunday (10 days). Why 10 days? I began on July 4TH, and will end it on July 14Th. Juergen's mom was born on July 14TH. I am hoping for a real breakthrough by her birthday.


Jess has been calm this week. She even let me put her hair up before school today. I want God to heal her before she goes to America. I don't want to bring diapers. I also want to celebrate her healing in the USA. Sure, I will accept her healing any day, any time but I might as well ask God for what I want. I want it on the 14TH. I want joy in the USA. I want JOY!!!! Oh, yesterday I felt like I should buy Jessica under ware. I went to the store and the first under ware I picked up had Mickey Mouse on them. Perfect!!! Jessica still wares diapers. I hope she can use these new Mickey under ware at Disneyland.

Kung Fu Panda

Today we took all our kids to see Kung Fu Panda . All our kids. Jessica doesn't generally go to movies. I can not remember the last time she was able to sit in a theater but I've been praying. She was restless but sat through the entire film. Now she is so proud of herself. I can not wait to see what she tells her teachers this week. I'll have to buy her a Kung Fu Panda t-shirt or something when I am at Disneyland in a few weeks. Thank God for the small steps of progress I see emerging in her life.

she wants it

Last night I almost forgot to pray for Jessica. I've been praying every night for her healing. She grabbed my hand as I tucked her in to bed. She wanted prayer. And so I prayed, "God heal Jessica...deliver her from this autism...loosen her tongue so that she can talk...freedom God...freedom...In Jesus wonderful name... Amen"!!!

Hope deferred makes the heart sick

I was standing with Jessica today waiting for her bus to come. She was very sweet. I talked to her about our trip. At one point she presses into me giving me a warm hug. I said, "Jessica are you ready to be healed"? She pulls away and walks away. I said "Jessica, do not doubt it, God loves you and wants to make you whole". She wants it too, I know it. She is just so afraid it will never happen and hope deferred makes the heart sick.

God is good

"He is good and His love endures forever, He is good and His love endures forever...forever"!!! This is the praise song the band at the Lakeland revival was playing just now. I just met my good friend Inkeri. I told her I would take Jessica for prayer in California. I have gotten some pretty negative feedback from a number of people who think I'm basically crazy. I have to admit I should be use to the negative stuff but it always discourages me. I know what I'm doing. I'm not crazy. I know what the Bible says about healing. Why would I believe God can save our sins, but not believe this same God can heal?

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5

Jesus died for our sins, but was also wounded for our healing! Any way, Inkeri was wonderful as always. She did not discourage me, she prayed for me.

Just what I needed

I'm weak in the knees

I lose heart. I think the closer I get to our trip the more fear grows in my heart. A week ago I was excited. I had so much hope. Now I feel like even if I go to all the "big" meetings with the "important" healers nothing is going to happen. I will go away disappointed. I will beg my Heavenly Father for the desire of my heart and I will be hurt. Where does this come from? Why would I feel God will leave me empty? Healing for Jessica just seems such a big mountain to "move". I can pray, "God bless me",but God heal Jessica seems so big. I could believe for others, but for her? I think it just makes everything so strange to fix my eyes on healing. I actually know my Heavenly Father knows what I need (and want). I can not feel like a beggar. I can not hold my breath just hoping that Jessica will be touched by God. This is way out of my hands. All I can do is long to touch God. All I can seek is Gods presence. I know if I can be in his presence then I will be satisfied no matter what happens. If Jess gets healed great. If not I can not control it. I have asked. I will keep asking, but it just can not be such a fixation. I'm losing heart. I feel so much despair. I need peace. If I am in Gods hand, I know it will be perfect no matter what happens. I don't think its pride, I would beg if I felt it would change things. I just get the feeling I do not have my focus in the right place. I am looking at the need not the answer. God is my answer...if I have him I have everything. With out him, I have nothing.

Believe and not doubt

Believe and not doubt

Last night I told a Christian friend I was taking Jessica to the revival meeting. She responded with a question, “and you want to see God heal Jessica”?????
Her question was so filled with doubt it made me feel like a stupid fool. I tried to stay calm. I asked her the question “do you believe God can heal”? She said she has never seen it and has only read about it in the Bible. I tell you, I believe that God heals. I know I must look like some kind of religious freak. I guess that’s ok with me. I’m not proud, I’m so desperate. I’m not just desperate to see Jessica healed. I’m also desperate for more of God. I want more of God. I love Jessica so much. I’ll never stop looking for her healing. I have always believed God can heal. I know we don’t see healing so much in the west…but I also believe that is also going to change. We will all see God’s manifest glory and then it will not be so hard to believe. For Jessica’s sake, I hope we see the healing revival hit Germany soon.

Randy Clark On Healing & Miracles

I was laying in bed with Jessica holding her hand. I was praying for her to be healed. Then I heard the name Randy Clark. I have never heard Randy Clark, I thought he was a singer. I looked him up on you tube and this is what I found.

a letter

Tonight I felt like I should write a short letter about Jessica's autism. It's a short history and some photos of her. I'm going to the USA to pray for her healing. I am hoping, by faith that Jessica is so healed I will need some "proof" that she was ever sick. Of course I don't need to prove her autism to anyone that knows us. I guess it's just a step of faith. I've been thinking about it for days. I hope I will have a very good reason to use this paper. I will leave that in God's hands. I was driving in the car, bringing Sarah home from swimming. She wanted an ice cream NOW!!! I said, I will give you an ice cream, just later. Later was not the answer she wanted to hear. I said, later. Then I felt God speak to my heart. He said, would you trust me with Jessicas healing. If I say I will give you what you want, I just get to say when. I said OK God. Tell me yes, and I will just trust you for the when. I hope God will heal Jessica even before we go to America. I want to leave the diapers at home. I want to spend 2 weeks just celebrating what God has done. I don't want to feel any pressure like, Oh man, we are going to see Bonnke...Jessica has to be healed NOW!!! I'm waiting for God to give me a very clear "yes I will heal her, just trust me". So far I have not gotten a yes. And so I just keep seeking, asking.

Plans

I wanted to begin to write about Jessica's summer trip to America. I plan to publish this at the end of July when we go to Oregon. I have not told my parents I'm bringing Jessica. I want to keep this a surprise. This is why I am delaying the publication of this and future posts.
Today I bought tickets to see Reinhard Bonnke at a prayer breakfast in Anaheim on the 26Th of July. I had to change my airline tickets. We now fly to Oregon one day later. My parents will be sad about this, but they don't know I will have Jessica with me.
Todd Bentley will also be preaching on the evening of July 26Th in LA. So I will (God willing) be taking Jessica there too. Todd Bentley has been praying for thousands of people in Florida and many amazing miracles have taken place. I have such a great hope of expectation God will bless Jessica on our trip. Reinhard Bonnke wrote in his latest newsletter, " the atmosphere of expectation is the seedbed of miracles". My expectation is high, and a miracle is what we need.