Controversial Autism Doctor Stands By His Research

Jessica has taught me to live my life

I believe there is a link!

iHelp for Autism

A reader sent me this
http://www.sfweekly.com/2010-08-11/news/ihelp-for-autism/

We want to get Jessica an IPad and see if it doesn't unlock her world.

I've always loved this

God Chooses Mom for Disabled Child

Written by Erma Bombeck

Published in the Today Newspaper Sept. 4th, 1993



Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children.



Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.



"Armstrong, Beth; son; patron saint, Matthew.



"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter; patron saint, Cecelia.



"Rudledge, Carrie; twins; patron saint... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity.



“Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."



The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."



"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."



"But has she patience?" asks the angel.



"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence. She'll have to teach the child to live in her world and that's not going to be easy."



"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."



God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness.”



The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"



God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, there is a woman I will bless with a child less then perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see---ignorance, cruelty, prejudice--- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."



"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in midair.



God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

For Autistic Boy, Opera Is Dream Come True - Boston News Story - WCVB Boston

For Autistic Boy, Opera Is Dream Come True - Boston News Story - WCVB Boston

Autism test?

Researchers one step closer to potential autism test

http://pagingdrgupta.blogs.cnn.com/2010/12/02/researchers-one-step-closer-to-potential-autism-test/?hpt=C2

insomnia

Get some sleep: Light – or lack of it – is key
I just read this on CNN "Get some sleep: Light – or lack of it – is key". Jessic's sleep rhythm is way off right now. She wants to take a 3 hour nap in the afternoon, and stay up until 1 or 2 pm. It's killing Juergen and I. We have to get up with the other kids at 6:30am. I am an old women, and 5 1/2 hours just isn't cutting it. I feel like a zombie! So now I need to work on controlling her light!

Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation

repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), creates an electric current that enhances specific cells’ ability to protect the brain from sensory overload in one region of the brain". The researchers believe this eases sensory overload permitting greater focus on learning.

Treatment for Coma Patients,Parkinsons,Alzheimers,MS,Autism - Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkkPnXpNMC8

his brother's keeper

I have people who also ask me what will happen to Jessica when we die or can not care for her any more. I can tell you I just don't know. I know that Nicole has said she will care for Jessica, but who knows if that will be realistic? She will have her own life, her own family. It isn't something I just put off thinking about, but I have no answer. I'm not there and I can not say how things should work out in 20 years. I'm glad we have 4 other children. I hope Jessica will never need to live in an institution. But if that must happen, God will be with her. I will love her and take care of her as long as I am able to. I have not given up hope of a cure. But if Jessica has to live in a care facility, it will not be an easy thing to plan. I'm not there, and I'm not going to stress out worrying about what I can not control. I will simply love my girl where she is at. She is at home. Thank God for now she is home!

growing up with a brother with autism

another sleepless night

Jessica didn't sleep all day after a night with only 3 hours of sleep. Last night I got her to sleep at 11pm, but she woke up at 4am. She was in my room and I locked the door and tried to keep sleeping. I'm a wreak. She kept bringing me cloths. My room is a mess. I kept telling her to lay down and sleep. She was up and down, back and forth. For hours she walked from my bed to the door and back. I pulled the cover over my head...I could not change Jessica but I needed sleep. I have 4 other kids to take care of. Juergen is in India until tomorrow and school doesn't begin until Monday. When I finally got up at 7:30am Jess had pulled her diaper off and pee was on the floor. She had also gotten so upset, her nose bleed. I have to mop the floor, and do laundry because she bleed on my cloths. She took the key out of the door, and we were locked in the room. I could not find the key! Here I was, sleepy me with Jessica covered in blood and urine. What a sight. But I didn't panic. I called down to Nicole. She found an extra key and unlocked the door. I cleaned Jess up. I'm not allowing her to watch any TV until she sleeps. I also have a sun lamp, a full spectrum light I will put in her room. I took her out hours yesterday...but it's so rainy and dark. Her internal clock is obviously messed up. The light will help. The routine of school will also help. She was suppose to go shopping with her dear teacher tomorrow. I'm thinking that's not a good idea. Maybe if she thinks about school, she will grab her shoes and sit on the stairs all weekend. She wants to go back to school, but she can not manage the excitement. She just doesn't seem to understand tomorrow is not 5 mins from now. And the problem seems to be getting worse because she is not sleeping. I could use some prayer. This sort of thing has happened before, but Thank God not in awhile. I remember once I took Nicole to London for a long weekend (4 days). Juergen, Jessica and Philip all had a bad flu. We didn’t have Thomas and Sarah then. Jessica had to throw up. And when she throws up she doesn’t find a bucket…she just does it where ever she is. So poor Juergen had to follow Jess around the house cleaning up after her. We also just got Mickey our crazy dog. And he barks at strangers. Juergen’s good friend Ralf was there. Mickey barked and barked. Jess was throwing up, Juergen felt awful. Nicole and I had an awesome time. I guess if you're thinking Juergen owes me for this week…I owe him too. I’m not crazy or even too upset. I’m tired. I am pretty sure this will pass, but I could use some prayer. Jess just needs to get some sleep! I miss Juergen. I know I need him…but I also just like him allot. We are all so glad he will be home soon.

Jessica is 19 years old today

Jessica is 19 years old today. She was the most beautiful baby. She was smart and perfect. When she was 18 months old she lost her coordination, and her language. It was devastating. We spent years going from one Dr to another. No one could tells what had happened. How could a " normal" child lose her skills? It took 6 years to finally hear the words autism. And all our hopes, and dreams were destroyed. If it's true that God holds our tears in a cup of remembrance, he holds an ocean of tears for me. The loss was awful. Sometimes it still is. Last night Jess was so excited about her birthday, she could not sleep. She stayed awake until 3:30am, and woke again at 6am. I'm finding it hard to function on 3 hours of sleep. But I want to say this...
When Jess lost her voice, and we felt the loss of all "normal" hopes and dreams it was hard. I sat for years in a pile of broken dreams. The edges were sharp, and it cut deep to the heart. But after awhile you stop crying over what you had hoped would be. You start appreciating the pieces of what is there. Jessica's life is like a mosaic. She has soulful eyes, deep compassion, a large ability to understand character, humor, and sweetness. She is a broken person. Autism has broken her. It's robbed her of her voice. We only get to read glimpses of the complex thoughts she thinks. Often we are shut out all together. But she is lovely...all the pieces put together are lovely. In the book of 1 Corinthians 13 (talking about knowing God) it say “12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” What I see of my daughter is so beautiful, and I know I will be unable to speak one day because one day I will see her whole. This is my hope. Happy birthday my beautiful girl. I love you so much!

one of my heros

Toy Story 3

It is another wet day so I decided to take the kids to see Toy Story 3 (even Jessica). When we got there Jessica refused to sit down. She sat on the floor near the exit. It was a very good thing we went to the early show. There were not so many people there. She parked herself on the ground and I could not move her. She refused to go in! I was so frustrated! I had put my backpack and car keys in the theater. Sarah, Thomas and Philip were already seated. It got worse. She moved out of the theater and laid down on the floor. Talk about your body language. Jess is almost 19 years old and weighs at least 140 lbs. It is was dead weight. So I talked her into sitting to the side , away from the door. The movie began and I told her I needed my keys if she wanted to go. So she followed me back into the theater. She saw the Toy Story characters, so she stayed. I got her to sit down and watch the entire movie. I should get some sort of prize for that! And I praised Jess for her courage. She sat in a dark, loud movie theater and watched a new film.

It is grace that we live and have health

So very sad

It's so hard to be a parent of an autistic child. There is an 85% divorce rate for parents with autistic kids. It's very hard. So is ADHD. I have Jessica with Autism, and Philip and Thomas with ADHD. I think you have to take it a day at a time, and not lose perspective. I have a strong marriage, and my faith in God. I feel this is so tragic, and such a terrible loss. But the poor mom must have been overwhelmed and had no help. She should have given her kids up to foster care, not killed them.

maybe its not autism?

https://sites.google.com/site/aditishankardass/

Neurofeedback for Autism and Asperger's

We are thinking of buying a neurofeedback machine and learning to use it with Jessica for her autism, and Philip and Thomas for ADHD. We tried it once. It's pretty cool. We can not find someone close to do it. Also our insurance will not cover it. We know an audiologist in Munchen that will work with us. We buy the machine (maybe even used), and sell it used to another family when we are done. For autism it can take years. For ADHD it takes about 6-9 months. Many kids with ADHD go off medication, and stay off it.

ipad

A friend sent me something about the ipad being a great tool for autistic kids. Jessica can write, but she doesn't do it much. The ipad has an application that generates voice. I'm not sure if we can get Jessica to work with it. I also wonder if they have this software in German? We live in Germany and most everyone we know speaks German. Jessica understands English and German. I imagine she could write in English, but German is the language she mostly writes in. The video is of an autistic girl that began to write, and it changed her whole life. We have not been able to get Jess to write at home. She does write with a few teachers, not just one. I'm anxious to try the ipad with her. Perhaps it could help unlock the treasure that is Jessica!

Just keep moving…do not park the car here…just keep moving!

A good friend has a daughter that was an exchange student in America. She just returned 2 days ago. I spoke with her yesterday. She speaks perfect English now. She even got her high school diploma this year. She is so confident and graceful. All grown up. I was so happy to see her. But Jessica who is a year older then Maria was waiting in the car. Jess can not talk, she still wears a diaper, and she can not cross the street safely alone, let alone go to another country for a year. I wasn’t so much jealous as I was hit by another deep feeling of real loss. My baby will never be an exchange student, and it really hurts to realize what I’ve lost…what she has lost to autism. It rained hard this morning. You can not stop the rain, and you can not stop the feelings of grief and loss when they hit you. But after you feel the loss, you have to keep living. I am very quick to start counting my blessings. I have zero power to gain back what has been taken from me. I could roll here in the mud but it will not give Jessica back her voice. I believe in God, and I believe in a heaven where all my tears will be wiped away. I may never know why my baby girl got sick. That doesn’t matter to me anymore. I don’t need to know. I just need to keep moving forward. I can not park my car at this point of grief and loss. Instead I will keep traveling towards my home, a place where she will be whole. I get into so much trouble when I compare my life to others. I need the grace to love who I am and simply love who she is. She is so beautiful.

a look back at her questions in class

March 6, 2008 (Jessica's questions in her Religion class at school)


Question: Do large reactions sometimes have to happen to cause betterment of the world? I mean, if desaster times are necessary to make people believe again?

Question: I want to know why God is sad when people disobey [him].

I like to go into the religion class and am considering to be nice and behave well

Question: Can Mr Kamuf tell me if the righ to be a guest on earth must be earned?

[What do you mean by that?]

I mean if we have to earn the new life by virtuous behavior? I am in anguish because I do not know what worthless life of disabled people is supposed to accomplish. I cannot let up being watchfull.

[What do you mean?]

I mean, why do bad hearts have to wait for heaven time and are not punished on earth? I am very thankful for these conversations and will try to behave.

Mr. Kamuf [the religion teacher] has respectfully given me comfort. I can bear autistic disability better now. We will tell him that he has to come again and talk to us.

waiting for the bus

I was trying to get a good photo of Jessica but she generally does not make that easy. So much of our life together is waiting. I either learn to just love her and love the process or I am sad. I choose to enjoy the wait. In the end that is life...it is the process. Does that make any sense or is it too Zen?

Autistic girl finds her voice through opera

You have granted me many blessings; let me also accept what is hard from your hand.

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

A Poem Jessica wrote about me Mothers day 2005

All that I like about you: comfort giver, patience, joy-maker, good words, understanding,
contentment with self and us, gifted for friend-love, crazy about flowers, garden fanatic,
colorfull women's meetings, sleeping too long, understanding of sad hearts, deep friendship
for special people, too good for thankless brothers, valueable knowledge of autism, faith in God
and thoughts of peace.

No autism in her eyes

Last night I watched a you tube video about autism awareness. There was a very simple message. A baby was playing (normal baby) and the parents said “we never saw autism in his eyes, we never thought anything could be wrong”. And all of a sudden I was struck by a wave of grief. It knocked me down. I sobbed uncontrollably for 20 mins or more. It was like a post traumatic stress reaction. I thought I was past it. I thought I had cried all my tears. The truth is it was all there…as real as it was when Jessica was 2 and lost her voice. I had done a good job hiding it all away in a room…and locking the door but the door opened up and I was paralyzed by the pain. To be honest, I am going to clean up the mess and lock it all away again. I know its there but I’m powerless to change the past. I can only walk today. My hope is in God who has the power to heal and save. I hope He will heal my beautiful girl (she will turn 19 years old at the end of he summer). Even if He does not heal Jessica I have hope in heaven. There are no tears in heaven and there is no autism. God only gives me the grace to walk today. The past is sad, and paralyzing. I can not bear the weight of it. I do not deny it’s there, but I walk away from it. My hope is found in my God who holds my hand. Nothing can keep me from loving Jessica. She is my joy, and I do not see autism in her eyes…I see perfection!

Softeware for Autism

www.google.com/educators

Nadia Bloom's Rescuer James King Found Autistic Girl in a Swamp

I believe there is a link

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

if we had only known...

We went to 100 Drs after Jessica stopped talking at the age of 18 months. Know one called it autism back then. This was 1993. It took almost 6 more years until we got a Dr to say the words autism. Maybe we could have done more, but the people around me know I did all I could. But today more can be done...and the earlier the better!



"Researchers have shown for the first time that if a child is diagnosed with autism as early as 18 months of age, offering the toddler age-appropriate, effective therapy can lead to raised IQ levels and improved language skills and behavior." READ MORE HERE

this almost happend to us

http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=5234774

today is all I see

There were two enemies pulling me down yesterday. One is called the past, the other goes by the name future. The Dr asked us about all of Jessica’s past diagnosis and treatment. That's almost two decades of struggle. These are not mountains I have climbed...and battles I have won. I am still fighting, and still climb. I will most likely fight and climb my whole life. I do not want to look back, I would like to leave it all behind me. I want to shed the past like a heavy coat...I have no interest in dragging those memories around. At least the memories of a 1000 Dr’s appointments and the fear and grief and loss. And the future...it's scary! I have zero interest in figuring that out. I can not tell you what’s ahead, I only know God holds me. But the meetings with the Dr and judge is about Jessica’s future. We need to own the future legally. But it is not something I can deal with...I do not possess the grace. I only have grace for now. The only way to survive autism is to live in the now. So yesterday was plain awful (a quote from the movie Annie). But the sun shines today because today is all I see. I survive autism one day at a time. It is the only way to do this. Do not look back, and don’t look ahead, just keep your eyes fixed on now. Now is beautiful! Today I look directly into the eyes of Jessica. I do not see struggle…I see love.

my birthday and feeling so sad

My birthday is this week. I turn 48 years old. A Dr comes on my birthday to examine Jessica and declare her permanently disabled and 100% dependant. She turned 18 years old this year. Normally that would make her an adult, able to make her own choices. If we do not strip her of her rights and gain legal custody, she could be a ward of the state. I don't want that to happen. So Weds day we meet the Dr. Later next month we meet a judge. I wish with all my heart she was well, and able to make her own choices. I'm afraid I will be unable to celebrate on wedsday. It will be one of the saddest things I ever have to do. Some things you should not think about. Some tasks should just be done...just do it, and do not think about it! I have no choice, I must just do it. I will celebrate my birthday on Sunday instead. Jessica means gift from God. She will legally become mine until I die. Then she will be Nicole’s. Nicole already knows and accepts this. I'm not sad for me, I'm sad for Jessica. She will lose all her rights. This makes me very sad.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm not lost

Last night I sat for nearly 3 hours in a kindergarten chair. It was a very long Parent teacher meeting at Sarah's kindergarten. I learned a few important things, but most of what was covered I could have read in 2 minutes. As I looked around the room I saw a half dozen other parents. Many of them anxious about their babies riding the bus for the very first time. All I could think was how much my legs hurt, and that most of these people are young enough to be my biological children (most being about 24 years old, and I'm about to turn 48). I was so tired. I had spent the entire morning at the heart clinic with Nicole. She has a strange shaped valve in her heart. It doesn't cause her any trouble, but we have to keep monitoring it. She is just fine (Thank God). She has zero restrictions.
Juergen told me Jessica’s teacher called last night. Jess will be doing two different internships at workshops for disabled people. We thought she had 2 more years of school left. I guess we were wrong. This is Jessica’s last year of school. We have to figure out what is next. The choices are not as fun or interesting as the ones Nicole has. I do not know what to do. I'm just going to wait and pray. We will visit Jessica at the workshops and see how she does. Perhaps she will find a place she feels good in. I have no idea what she will be doing, more information will be given to us in the coming months. I can remember the first time I put Jessica on a school bus. It almost seems like yesterday. This morning she was sipping coffee with her breakfast. I have never really known what the future held. I'm just going to keep holding Gods hand, I know he will not get lost!

Watch CBS Videos Online

Jessica is 18

Juergen came home early today so Nicole and I could take Jessica on a birthday shopping trip. First we went to a large market called Kaufland. There she bought a magazine, candy, a new video, and pretzels. She also picked out salad dressing because she wanted a salad this afternoon and we were out of dressing. Funny! The grand total for her big trip was about 15 Euros. Then we went to toys r us. There she wanted a playmoble catalog. That's it. We walked in the store, got the catalog and then walked out. Then we wanted to take her to her favorite fish and chips place. When we got there she didn't want to leave the car. so Nicole and I went and got her food and we drove home. What a funny character she is. She knew what she wanted, but was tired and did not care to spend much time! Thomas also wanted to shop for his birthday last weekend. Actually, he was pretty much like Jess. Once he had his Lego he wanted to go home. He has been building Lego ever since! I want to thank everyone who called, sent cards, or took the time to e-mail Jessica. She got dozens of e-mails. I told her about them and she smiled. It blesses my heart to know my baby is loved.

Happy 18th birthday Jessica

When I was pregnant with my first child Jessica I imagined she would be beautiful and intelligent. She is both. I never imagined she would be silent. But when my baby was 18 months old she lost her voice to autism. She has never recovered and this a great loss. Tomorrow Jess will turn 18 years old. I could fix my thoughts on what I had hoped for her (independence). She will be 18 years old be she still wears a diaper, can not dress herself, can not walk across a street alone. All of this is sad. Unless God intervenes (and I believe God can step in and change everything) Jessica will never be independent. But I do not fix my thoughts on what she can not do. I choose to thank God for all that she is. Jessica is a sweet, sensitive, loving, intelligent, funny young women. She was so brave to get on an airplane and fly to Thailand. She was also brave to swim in the ocean (something she has always feared). She can read people well. She always gives me a hug when I am sad and makes me laugh. Although many of her dreams are trapped with in a body that does not do what it should, she still dreams. And because I’m her mom and I love her I also dream for her. Jessica has a cold, so we will probably not do much tomorrow. On Saturday I hope to take her shopping because she likes that. I’m sorry she can not speak but you do not need words to love. There are no words to say how much I love her. Happy 18th Birthday Jessica, you are a gift to me and your family. May all your dreams come true!

A Is for Autism, F Is for Friend

Autistic Artist

An autistic girl learns to type

http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8263063

Today is what we have

Jessica got to go out to lunch with her teacher and friend Frau Grimm. They had lunch and then did some shopping. She was very excited. I gave her a shower and dressed her nicely before the big event. After the lunch Frau Grimm asked me what plans we had for Jessica. Many people ask the same question. After all, she turns 18 next month. First, she has 2 more years of school. I hope she can learn to write more independently. After school, who knows? I will let God show us what to do when we get there. Frau Grimm says she would be board in the work shop. I am not making any plans. We do not know where she will be in two years. She is making progress, and I do not know what she will be capable of then. My eyes are on today, and today is special. Today she was a beautiful young women going to lunch with a friend. Today was good. I can not define tomorrow. God is good, I will trust him for the future.

Removing Dangerous Toxic Metals From Our Bodies

Citrus Pectin combined with alginates on the positive clinical outcome of several patients.
Using MCP combined with alginates evolved out of successful clinical trials of Modified Citrus Pectin (MCP) alone, after it had proved effective in selectively removing toxic metals and (most importantly) not affecting the body's essential minerals. MCP and alginates (derived from kelp seaweed) is an improved formulation for a more effective binding and removal of toxic metals, without side effects and the risk of toxin re-absorption and redistribution in the body.

MCP is considered safe and well tolerated.
Dosages range from 6 to 30 grams per day
in divided dosages; a typical dose is 5 grams
three times daily.

HERE is the link to this work.

Enough

I was listening to Beth Moore interviewed on Christian TV today. She was asked why she thought God healed some people from addictions instantly, and others over time? She said something that I think applies to all of our lives. She said it depended upon what God would teach us. If he wants to show us his supremacy, he will do something immediate and if he wants to show us his sufficiency, he provides little by little (daily bread). I have sought God for years to heal Jessica from autism. I believe nothing is impossible for him, he is supreme! But God has shown me he is also sufficient. The only time I get into trouble is when I think too much about tomorrow. But God is so sufficient to help us every day. I know this very well.

Our vacation to cyprus

Our family went on vacation in North Cyprus. Jessica was so full of fear, they almost kicked us off the flight. Boy did I pray!



She spent a good deal of time in the kitchen of our villa. Finally on the last day we got her to swim. I guess better late then never!




On one of our last nights we went to dinner. Jessica was such a lady at that dinner. She handed me her bread to cut in small pieces. She seemed very aware of where she was. Her behavior was wonderful. I wish I could say the same for two of the other kids! Juergen said if you have 5 kids one of them is bound to make waves. Jessica was wonderful!



My favorite photo was taken when Jessica sat on the beach. She felt really relaxed as long as she didn't have to be close to the water. For some reason she is afraid of the sea. Isn't she beautiful!

3 days of flowers

I took Jessica to Holland for 3 days to see the flowers. She hates change, I guess you can see that on her face. What you don't see is how proud she was that she stepped out of her comfort zone. She pulled me towards the flowers, and even tried to pick one for me. It's so hard for her to go to a new place, but it's also good for her. She is not a flower among many common flowers, she is a rare beauty. She is an extraordinary beauty!

Jessica in Holland

Welcome to Holland
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......


When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Emily Perl Kingsley 1987

Autism day

Every day is autism day for us. I forgot that today was International autism day. I wish there was no need for such a day. I wish the kids were all healthy. But today I kissed my girl, and I loved her just as much as I always do. She reminds me life is a gift. Her smile is a gift. Her laugh is a gift. I may never have a conversation with Jessica this side of heaven, but I'm willing to wait. I can not imagine any sound in heaven being half as sweet as the voices of the children who spent their days in silence. It will be a time for me to be silent...I wouldn't want to miss a single word.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Vaccines didn't cause autism, court rules HERE is the CNN story.

Jessica was also a healthy normal little girl. She was happy, social, and spoke about 30 words until she got 5 vaccinations in one day. At the time she was sick, and taking antibiotics for an ear infection. I don't know if vaccinations caused her autism but I know they didn't help. She lost all her skills with in days of those vaccinations. Jessica has been on very good diets for years. She is not nearly as sick as the girl in this video (thank God). But Jessica can not talk and she still wears a diaper. She can not even cross the street with out help. Jessica is pretty easy for us to take care of...but the fact is she is 17 years old and needs care 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I'm sorry that this girl did not win her case. They don't want pregnant women to eat fish because it has mercury in it. Why in the world would they give Mercury to a baby with a developing brain and say it has zero affect?

Jessica is not this bad. For one thing she does not scream.

PIR HEG

This is a form of biofeedback that increases the blood flow to the brain. You can read some research on research done on 20 autistic kids. HERE
We will be seeing an audiologist on Dec. 4Th that does this treatment. She will be seeing Philip and Jessica.

amazing

but he uses the portable chamber

WARNING! NOT ALL HYPERBARIC CHAMBERS ARE THE SAME!

HYPERBARIC OXYGEN THERAPY

flu shots

no way would I get flu shots for my kids!!!

Autism's Affect On Siblings

Watch CBS Videos Online

China with stem cells

Mark came to China in June 2007, at six years old. His family hoped the treatments being tested would give him some relief from his autism. For more information go to www.stemcellschina.com

Has anyone ever tried stem cell treatment?

I'm looking for information about cord blood or adult stem cell treatment for Autism. Does anyone know anything about this? I think it can be done in Germany? I want to consider it for Jessica. It may not cure her (she is 17) but maybe it could help?

father helps save son

17 things about Jessica

1. Her favorite movie is Aladdin. She watched it tonight and you could hear her scream with laughter. She also loves to watch Toy Story 2 in French. I think she loves to hear the name "Woody" with a French accent.
2. Her favorite food would be Chicken McNuggets with out any sauce.
3. She has been to 13 Countries, some of them many times.
4. She has been to Disneyland an absence number of times. Her favorite ride is it’s a Small World, although she also loved Splash Mountain when I took her to Disneyland at the end of July.
5. She loves to take drives in the car, especially at Christmas time.
6. She was baptized in the Jordon River in Israel. This was one of the best days of my life. Nicole was also baptized. The peace of God was all over her.
7. She reads people very well. She can not talk but she can write very colorful discretions of people.
8. She understands at least English and German. Every time she can, she listens to French, and Korean. For some reason, she just loves Korean?

9. I give Jessica the credit for many things, including my heart of compassion.
10. She is not very neat. She prefers her chaos.
11. She can walk a long way. It is hard to get her started, but she can walk for hours.
12. She never had sugar until she was a year old. She does not really like sugar now, but loves fresh fruit and salad. She is actually pretty healthy.
13. She can say fish, kitty, and sheep, and horse. She has never said Papa or Daddy. She has said Mama about 6 times in her life. Mostly she is non verbal.
14. She loves to look at fashion magazines. She also loves to wear new cloths, and feel pretty. She is much more of a girly girl then Nicole or Sarah.
15 She will sometimes give sad people a hug. She will grab the hands of strangers and say, “Oh”. I’ve seen her bring people to tears with her simple heart of love.
16. She loves God. She loves to discuss Theology with her teachers...she writes on the computer.
17. When I say "give me a kiss" she lights up and gives me a big loving smack!

Happy 17Th birthday my beautiful girl!!!

Jessica turns 17

Yesterday morning we were sitting around the breakfast table. Thomas said something, I don't even recall what. I said, "sometimes we just need to understand that our time is not always God's time", "we need to trust God with what we want". As I said these words I began to cry. Thomas was confused. Why was I crying. Nicole and Juergen both understood. It was the final day of Jessica's 16Th year. I had a dream years ago that Jess would be healthy and normal when she was 16. I never knew if I could trust this dream as something from God, or just a mothers "wishful thinking". Well, she turned 17 years old today. She is still autistic. So how do I feel? Sort of disappointed. But I still love God, and I still love Jessica. I guess there are some questions that will remain unanswered until it is God's time. I still pray for that healing to come. I am very grateful today for this beautiful, funny, smart 17 year old that has always been a gift to us. I hope that some day I will see her healed but I love her deeply. She is a treasure partly hidden. I could be really sad about what I don't have or I can be glad about what I do have. What I do have is a sweet and loyal friend. Happy Birthday to my wonderful Jessica!!! I love you more then I could ever express. You are my compassionate teacher. I guard you but you lead me.


This is Jessica from birth until age 14

Report: Fever Improves Autism Symptoms

When Jessica had a very bad case of the chicken pox’s she did show an improvement in her over all ability. Now they say that there is a connection between fever and brain function.

Symptoms of autism 'can be reversed'

Here is some real hope!!!

John McCain on Autism

John McCain is very concerned about the rising incidence of autism among America's children and has continually supported research into its causes and treatment. He has heard countless stories about families' hardships obtaining a diagnosis for their children's autism and accessing quality medical treatment. He believes that federal research efforts should support broad approaches to understanding the factors that may play a role in the incidence of autism, including factors in our environment, for both prevention and treatment purposes.

John McCain was proud to lend his support to the Combating Autism Act of 2006, which he cosponsored, and worked to ensure its enactment. This law is helping to increase public awareness and screening of autism spectrum disorder, promote the use of evidence-based interventions, and create autism Centers of Excellence for Autism Spectrum Disorder Research and Epidemiology. John McCain understands that despite the federal and scientific research efforts to date, the exact causes of autism are not yet known and greater research is needed to understand this disorder. That is why in November 2007, he joined with Senator Lieberman in requesting the leadership of the Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee, which has jurisdiction over federal research into autism, to hold a hearing on federal research efforts regarding factors affecting incidence and treatment in order to help determine where research efforts can best be directed. As President, John McCain will work to advance federal research into autism, promote early screening, and identify better treatment options, while providing support for children with autism so that they may reach their full potential.

He has heard my cry

I gave Jessica a shower this morning. This afternoon her hair was all shiny and curly. Where did she get all these curls? Her hair was so straight when she was a child?
What can I say about Jessica now that she is home from America? She is sweet, happy but still autistic. Have I given up hope of her being healed? No, I still have hope. Did I ever write about the time Sarah was begging Juergen to go swimming? Sarah is my 5 year old adopted daughter from China. She really wanted to go swimming. She was a little tired. She needed a nap. So she keeps begging Juergen to take her swimming. He says "maybe later" (he is hoping she will take a nap first). She gets in this broken record mode, she can not stop asking. She is crying, "Please Papa"!!! Crying and begging. Finally Juergen says "OK". But she is stuck, and can not stop begging. I go to her and say "Sarah Papa said yes". "Sarah, go get your suit because he said yes". Even as I say these words I hear the Holy Spirit speak to me. I hear the words, "Amy, I said yes"! I feel like I prayed, I begged. God said yes and I need to figure out how I can "go get my suit", or wait to receive Jessica’s healing. Any way, I feel like I am not supposed to keep begging...he has heard my cry!

early brain over growth

Jessica's brain grew too fast. We did not know she was autistic until she was 8 but we knew something went wrong when she was 2.

In San Diego

Jess is basically her normal self. She does not want to go anywhere. She wants to sit on the sofa and play with here DVD player. She did sleep well last night. She slept until 5:30 am. That's pretty good! She does want to tear paper, but so far she has only torn up one magazine I gave her (not Cindy"s books). If fact she is being a very good girl. She is not digging into stuff. She is also very sweet and happy. We shopped for Nicole's stuff yesterday. Then we gave Jess down time. She is also getting down time today. Tomorrow we are going to Sea World. Hopefully Jess will be ready to get out of the house. Tonight I am taking her to the healing room for prayer. I am believing God for a progressive work. I feel God has done a good thing in Jess as a result of the prayers of our Elders. She is super calm & full of joy. She handled the trip very well so far. When I think about it, I have never seen her so good. Yes, I think God has begun a work in her!

The real Disney story

Jess was a mess. She had jet lag so bad & only wanted to stay in our room. My arms are covered with bruises from trying to drag her out of her hole! We went to Disneyland at around noon. The first thing we did is have lunch. The lunch was very nice. After lunch Jess was falling apart so I brought her back to the hotel for a few hours. She did not sleep, but rested. then I dragged her back to Disneyland. I made her ride a ride. She liked it, so we did a few more rides. I even took her on splash Mountain. She actually liked it. At around 6 pm she started to really fall asleep. We slowly made our way to the car. Donna, Cindy, and Nicole stayed an extra hour and Jess slept in the car. I had a good time praying. we drove back to the hotel, and went to bed by 10pm. Jess slept half the night. She got up and wanted to play on her DVD player. I said no. She slept sitting in her chair until 7am.

so ready

Jessica has had a shower and she is already in bed. It's not even 11pm. We leave in the morning at 7am. She is so ready to go. I praise God she is so happy. I hope she has a good flight. Normally she is very afraid on a flight. We have prayed and prayed. I just talked to my parents. They still don't know Jess is coming. I can not wait to see them in a week. How wonderful!!! I've been a mess thinking about the trip. I want so much to see Jess healed. God knows all I can do is come. I can not do much more. I go with so much hope and love in my heart. I'm sure our trip will be wonderful. I don't have any idea what will happen, but I'm sure we will be blessed.

Do you need to be young to have faith?

I listened to an African pastor speak today. He told the story of a young man who heard God call him to go to Bible school in America. He did not know where the school was,he just knew to go. He got a ticket and boarded an airplane. He had no money and no visa. When he arrived in the USA they asked him where he was going and if he had a visa. All he could say was that God told him to come. They put him in jail. When he was in jail he prayed a very passionate prayer. This prayer was heard by a guard who was a Christian. The guard called his pastor. He said pastor, if you can find a place for this man in a Bible school (and pay for the school) I can get him a visa. So the pastor found a school and the guard found a visa, and the young man stepped into his destiny. How did it happen? He followed the voice of God and he did not ask how. The only direction he needed was go. He heard go, and he totally trusted God to meet the need. I use to have faith like this when I was young. Tomorrow I go with Jessica and Nicole to America. I am seeking healing for Jessica. I want to know how...God wants me to just trust him. He tells me to just go. God give me the faith to just go.

What I hear...

I've spent many hours praying for Jessica's healing. I'm very desperate. I don't want autism anymore. I'm so sad I have to pack diapers. I'm sad I have to think about the flight, and the fear Jessica has. It is not what I want. I saw a faithful women who married a man she intended to marry for life. Then he left her for another women. It's Christmas. The women has to drop the kids off at daddy's house. She will be alone. She did nothing wrong. It is not what she planned or hopped for. She was robbed. But it is out of her hands. She must spend Christmas without her family. That is how autism makes me feel. I am robbed! I have to pack diapers for my 16 year old. I have to hold her hand and try to calm her down for the long flight. I hate autism!!! But then I recall how I met Juergen. I did not make that relationship happen. I was set up. God set me up. Some of the very best things that ever happened in my life where arranged by God. When God arranges something, he does it perfectly. So God gives me the feeling he is about to set me up. He is arranging my way. I have to give him my sadness and fear. He will turn it all around. He will wipe away my tears. He will bring beauty for ashes. I feel so sure I am being set up!

i pod

I bought Jessica an i pod with 167GB of storage and a video screen. Juergen is busy loading all her movies. It has a 12 hour battery. She should be able to watch all her movies during the long flight. What an amazing little computer. It has more memory then my laptop. So cool!!!!

The end my fast

I broke my 10 day fast today. First I went to church and prayed with Christian who is an elder in the church. I wanted all the elders to pray for Jessica, but they want to schedule an extended time to do that. I'm not sure Jess will really allow anyone to pray for her for any extended time. I'm not sure it's necessary for a prayer to be long in order for it to be effective. I felt sick physically, and basically felt I had fulfilled what I had set out to do in prayer. This is why I broke my fast. I feel I've done all I can do. Now I can pack for our trip. I wish I did not need to pack diapers, but I think I can not help it. I have to prepare to take Jessica just as she is. I'm very happy I'm taking her. I'm full of joy. Joy was one thing I prayed for. I feel so much joy! I am not going to worry about Jessica being healthy or autistic. I love her, and we will have a wonderful blessed time. At some point I hope God will heal my sweetheart. We will be going to the International house of prayer healing room on Friday the 25Th of July (God willing), and Reinhard Bonnke on July 26Th, and Todd Bentley on July26Th. Those are some pretty powerful opportunities to receive prayer. I will recieve whatever God wants to give us. I'm so open to receive from my good God.

Should we go after healing?

Is it really wrong to want healing for Jessica? Should I just accept that this is how it is? Do I need a sign from God? I do believe in God. I don't think I need God to prove himself. I don't think I need a sign. But God is a compassionate God, and Jessica has a real need. She isn't happy being autistic. She wants to be whole. I want her to be whole. Is autism God's will? I don't think it is. I think sickness and disease is a work of the enemy. Should I just accept the enemy robbing Jessica of her voice and any kind of a normal life? I think I should not accept this. I will always love God, no matter what! But should I accept this? No...I will keep asking, seeking, and knocking. God please give me the faith to keep asking.

Today is the 9Th day of my fast for Jessica's healing. Today I feel like "how am I going to feel if it just does not happen"? I feel really sad. Then I need to remind myself that God is good. I do not know if it will happen, but I know 100% that God is good. I am investing in the kingdom of God. God will honor this investment. I don't know if God will heal Jessica, but I know he will receive my prayers and bless me. I will trust God now. I will trust him with the out come.

Jesus is a lion

Jessica loves to see lions. Every lion photo, every lion sculpture she points out. I always tell her that Jesus is a lion...and Jessica is just like him. Full of courage and brave and strong.

I'm still praying

I don't think I wrote it down but I've been fasting and praying for Jessica's healing. I guess it's been 6 days so far. I plan to fast , God willing until next Sunday (10 days). Why 10 days? I began on July 4TH, and will end it on July 14Th. Juergen's mom was born on July 14TH. I am hoping for a real breakthrough by her birthday.


Jess has been calm this week. She even let me put her hair up before school today. I want God to heal her before she goes to America. I don't want to bring diapers. I also want to celebrate her healing in the USA. Sure, I will accept her healing any day, any time but I might as well ask God for what I want. I want it on the 14TH. I want joy in the USA. I want JOY!!!! Oh, yesterday I felt like I should buy Jessica under ware. I went to the store and the first under ware I picked up had Mickey Mouse on them. Perfect!!! Jessica still wares diapers. I hope she can use these new Mickey under ware at Disneyland.

Kung Fu Panda

Today we took all our kids to see Kung Fu Panda . All our kids. Jessica doesn't generally go to movies. I can not remember the last time she was able to sit in a theater but I've been praying. She was restless but sat through the entire film. Now she is so proud of herself. I can not wait to see what she tells her teachers this week. I'll have to buy her a Kung Fu Panda t-shirt or something when I am at Disneyland in a few weeks. Thank God for the small steps of progress I see emerging in her life.

she wants it

Last night I almost forgot to pray for Jessica. I've been praying every night for her healing. She grabbed my hand as I tucked her in to bed. She wanted prayer. And so I prayed, "God heal Jessica...deliver her from this autism...loosen her tongue so that she can talk...freedom God...freedom...In Jesus wonderful name... Amen"!!!

Hope deferred makes the heart sick

I was standing with Jessica today waiting for her bus to come. She was very sweet. I talked to her about our trip. At one point she presses into me giving me a warm hug. I said, "Jessica are you ready to be healed"? She pulls away and walks away. I said "Jessica, do not doubt it, God loves you and wants to make you whole". She wants it too, I know it. She is just so afraid it will never happen and hope deferred makes the heart sick.

A good hair day

This morning Jessica could not wait to go to school. She is meeting a friend, her teacher of 9 years Frau Grimm. The school has decided Jessica needs to get use to new people, so they hired a new personal aid for Jessica. She only gets her old teacher one time per week. She was so happy it was Grimm day she got on the bus and kissed the driver! I feel a little sorry for her new aid, but you can never replace the love of an old friend.

God is good

"He is good and His love endures forever, He is good and His love endures forever...forever"!!! This is the praise song the band at the Lakeland revival was playing just now. I just met my good friend Inkeri. I told her I would take Jessica for prayer in California. I have gotten some pretty negative feedback from a number of people who think I'm basically crazy. I have to admit I should be use to the negative stuff but it always discourages me. I know what I'm doing. I'm not crazy. I know what the Bible says about healing. Why would I believe God can save our sins, but not believe this same God can heal?

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5

Jesus died for our sins, but was also wounded for our healing! Any way, Inkeri was wonderful as always. She did not discourage me, she prayed for me.

Just what I needed

I'm weak in the knees

I lose heart. I think the closer I get to our trip the more fear grows in my heart. A week ago I was excited. I had so much hope. Now I feel like even if I go to all the "big" meetings with the "important" healers nothing is going to happen. I will go away disappointed. I will beg my Heavenly Father for the desire of my heart and I will be hurt. Where does this come from? Why would I feel God will leave me empty? Healing for Jessica just seems such a big mountain to "move". I can pray, "God bless me",but God heal Jessica seems so big. I could believe for others, but for her? I think it just makes everything so strange to fix my eyes on healing. I actually know my Heavenly Father knows what I need (and want). I can not feel like a beggar. I can not hold my breath just hoping that Jessica will be touched by God. This is way out of my hands. All I can do is long to touch God. All I can seek is Gods presence. I know if I can be in his presence then I will be satisfied no matter what happens. If Jess gets healed great. If not I can not control it. I have asked. I will keep asking, but it just can not be such a fixation. I'm losing heart. I feel so much despair. I need peace. If I am in Gods hand, I know it will be perfect no matter what happens. I don't think its pride, I would beg if I felt it would change things. I just get the feeling I do not have my focus in the right place. I am looking at the need not the answer. God is my answer...if I have him I have everything. With out him, I have nothing.

Believe and not doubt

Believe and not doubt

Last night I told a Christian friend I was taking Jessica to the revival meeting. She responded with a question, “and you want to see God heal Jessica”?????
Her question was so filled with doubt it made me feel like a stupid fool. I tried to stay calm. I asked her the question “do you believe God can heal”? She said she has never seen it and has only read about it in the Bible. I tell you, I believe that God heals. I know I must look like some kind of religious freak. I guess that’s ok with me. I’m not proud, I’m so desperate. I’m not just desperate to see Jessica healed. I’m also desperate for more of God. I want more of God. I love Jessica so much. I’ll never stop looking for her healing. I have always believed God can heal. I know we don’t see healing so much in the west…but I also believe that is also going to change. We will all see God’s manifest glory and then it will not be so hard to believe. For Jessica’s sake, I hope we see the healing revival hit Germany soon.

Randy Clark On Healing & Miracles

I was laying in bed with Jessica holding her hand. I was praying for her to be healed. Then I heard the name Randy Clark. I have never heard Randy Clark, I thought he was a singer. I looked him up on you tube and this is what I found.

a letter

Tonight I felt like I should write a short letter about Jessica's autism. It's a short history and some photos of her. I'm going to the USA to pray for her healing. I am hoping, by faith that Jessica is so healed I will need some "proof" that she was ever sick. Of course I don't need to prove her autism to anyone that knows us. I guess it's just a step of faith. I've been thinking about it for days. I hope I will have a very good reason to use this paper. I will leave that in God's hands. I was driving in the car, bringing Sarah home from swimming. She wanted an ice cream NOW!!! I said, I will give you an ice cream, just later. Later was not the answer she wanted to hear. I said, later. Then I felt God speak to my heart. He said, would you trust me with Jessicas healing. If I say I will give you what you want, I just get to say when. I said OK God. Tell me yes, and I will just trust you for the when. I hope God will heal Jessica even before we go to America. I want to leave the diapers at home. I want to spend 2 weeks just celebrating what God has done. I don't want to feel any pressure like, Oh man, we are going to see Bonnke...Jessica has to be healed NOW!!! I'm waiting for God to give me a very clear "yes I will heal her, just trust me". So far I have not gotten a yes. And so I just keep seeking, asking.

Plans

I wanted to begin to write about Jessica's summer trip to America. I plan to publish this at the end of July when we go to Oregon. I have not told my parents I'm bringing Jessica. I want to keep this a surprise. This is why I am delaying the publication of this and future posts.
Today I bought tickets to see Reinhard Bonnke at a prayer breakfast in Anaheim on the 26Th of July. I had to change my airline tickets. We now fly to Oregon one day later. My parents will be sad about this, but they don't know I will have Jessica with me.
Todd Bentley will also be preaching on the evening of July 26Th in LA. So I will (God willing) be taking Jessica there too. Todd Bentley has been praying for thousands of people in Florida and many amazing miracles have taken place. I have such a great hope of expectation God will bless Jessica on our trip. Reinhard Bonnke wrote in his latest newsletter, " the atmosphere of expectation is the seedbed of miracles". My expectation is high, and a miracle is what we need.

I'm Looking into Neurofeedback

Recent research has shown that autistic disorders have as their
basis disturbances of neural connectivity. Neurofeedback
seems capable of remediating such disturbances when
these data are considered as part of treatment planning.
Connectivity-guided neurofeedback is capable of significantly
remedying these anomalies and reducing autistic symptoms

a day in court

Families argue autism-vaccine link in special U.S. court.