today is all I see

There were two enemies pulling me down yesterday. One is called the past, the other goes by the name future. The Dr asked us about all of Jessica’s past diagnosis and treatment. That's almost two decades of struggle. These are not mountains I have climbed...and battles I have won. I am still fighting, and still climb. I will most likely fight and climb my whole life. I do not want to look back, I would like to leave it all behind me. I want to shed the past like a heavy coat...I have no interest in dragging those memories around. At least the memories of a 1000 Dr’s appointments and the fear and grief and loss. And the future...it's scary! I have zero interest in figuring that out. I can not tell you what’s ahead, I only know God holds me. But the meetings with the Dr and judge is about Jessica’s future. We need to own the future legally. But it is not something I can deal with...I do not possess the grace. I only have grace for now. The only way to survive autism is to live in the now. So yesterday was plain awful (a quote from the movie Annie). But the sun shines today because today is all I see. I survive autism one day at a time. It is the only way to do this. Do not look back, and don’t look ahead, just keep your eyes fixed on now. Now is beautiful! Today I look directly into the eyes of Jessica. I do not see struggle…I see love.

my birthday and feeling so sad

My birthday is this week. I turn 48 years old. A Dr comes on my birthday to examine Jessica and declare her permanently disabled and 100% dependant. She turned 18 years old this year. Normally that would make her an adult, able to make her own choices. If we do not strip her of her rights and gain legal custody, she could be a ward of the state. I don't want that to happen. So Weds day we meet the Dr. Later next month we meet a judge. I wish with all my heart she was well, and able to make her own choices. I'm afraid I will be unable to celebrate on wedsday. It will be one of the saddest things I ever have to do. Some things you should not think about. Some tasks should just be done...just do it, and do not think about it! I have no choice, I must just do it. I will celebrate my birthday on Sunday instead. Jessica means gift from God. She will legally become mine until I die. Then she will be Nicole’s. Nicole already knows and accepts this. I'm not sad for me, I'm sad for Jessica. She will lose all her rights. This makes me very sad.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm not lost

Last night I sat for nearly 3 hours in a kindergarten chair. It was a very long Parent teacher meeting at Sarah's kindergarten. I learned a few important things, but most of what was covered I could have read in 2 minutes. As I looked around the room I saw a half dozen other parents. Many of them anxious about their babies riding the bus for the very first time. All I could think was how much my legs hurt, and that most of these people are young enough to be my biological children (most being about 24 years old, and I'm about to turn 48). I was so tired. I had spent the entire morning at the heart clinic with Nicole. She has a strange shaped valve in her heart. It doesn't cause her any trouble, but we have to keep monitoring it. She is just fine (Thank God). She has zero restrictions.
Juergen told me Jessica’s teacher called last night. Jess will be doing two different internships at workshops for disabled people. We thought she had 2 more years of school left. I guess we were wrong. This is Jessica’s last year of school. We have to figure out what is next. The choices are not as fun or interesting as the ones Nicole has. I do not know what to do. I'm just going to wait and pray. We will visit Jessica at the workshops and see how she does. Perhaps she will find a place she feels good in. I have no idea what she will be doing, more information will be given to us in the coming months. I can remember the first time I put Jessica on a school bus. It almost seems like yesterday. This morning she was sipping coffee with her breakfast. I have never really known what the future held. I'm just going to keep holding Gods hand, I know he will not get lost!

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Jessica is 18

Juergen came home early today so Nicole and I could take Jessica on a birthday shopping trip. First we went to a large market called Kaufland. There she bought a magazine, candy, a new video, and pretzels. She also picked out salad dressing because she wanted a salad this afternoon and we were out of dressing. Funny! The grand total for her big trip was about 15 Euros. Then we went to toys r us. There she wanted a playmoble catalog. That's it. We walked in the store, got the catalog and then walked out. Then we wanted to take her to her favorite fish and chips place. When we got there she didn't want to leave the car. so Nicole and I went and got her food and we drove home. What a funny character she is. She knew what she wanted, but was tired and did not care to spend much time! Thomas also wanted to shop for his birthday last weekend. Actually, he was pretty much like Jess. Once he had his Lego he wanted to go home. He has been building Lego ever since! I want to thank everyone who called, sent cards, or took the time to e-mail Jessica. She got dozens of e-mails. I told her about them and she smiled. It blesses my heart to know my baby is loved.

Happy 18th birthday Jessica

When I was pregnant with my first child Jessica I imagined she would be beautiful and intelligent. She is both. I never imagined she would be silent. But when my baby was 18 months old she lost her voice to autism. She has never recovered and this a great loss. Tomorrow Jess will turn 18 years old. I could fix my thoughts on what I had hoped for her (independence). She will be 18 years old be she still wears a diaper, can not dress herself, can not walk across a street alone. All of this is sad. Unless God intervenes (and I believe God can step in and change everything) Jessica will never be independent. But I do not fix my thoughts on what she can not do. I choose to thank God for all that she is. Jessica is a sweet, sensitive, loving, intelligent, funny young women. She was so brave to get on an airplane and fly to Thailand. She was also brave to swim in the ocean (something she has always feared). She can read people well. She always gives me a hug when I am sad and makes me laugh. Although many of her dreams are trapped with in a body that does not do what it should, she still dreams. And because I’m her mom and I love her I also dream for her. Jessica has a cold, so we will probably not do much tomorrow. On Saturday I hope to take her shopping because she likes that. I’m sorry she can not speak but you do not need words to love. There are no words to say how much I love her. Happy 18th Birthday Jessica, you are a gift to me and your family. May all your dreams come true!

A Is for Autism, F Is for Friend

Autistic Artist