Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Friday, October 19, 2007

Autistic teen who wandered off during hike found alive, this story makes me want to cry. Jessica can not talk. If she got lost, I would be so afraid! Thank God he is safe!

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Jessica's 16th birthday

Today was the 16Th birthday of Jessica. I took her shopping and let her buy what ever she wanted. She was very sweet, and happy. She held my arm in the store, and kept hugging me. She has simple taste. I bought her two books, and a DVD (all Disney stuff). Her grand mother e-mailed her and her teacher called on the phone. We sang happy birthday to her at breakfast. There were no parties. I'm not thinking about the past 16 years, or considering her future. Today I'm just thinking about what a gift she is to me, and trying to make sure she enjoys the day in her own special way...mostly isolated but emerging from time to time for a drive with her dad or a shopping trip with me.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Toy story in French

I was at a 2ND hand shop yesterday. They had the video toy story, one of Jessica's favorites. I picked it up for one euro. When I got home I realized it was in French. Jessica loves it! She wants to watch it day and night. You can hear her laughing out loud and the whole floor shakes because she is jumping up and down for joy. Could she be learning to speak French? She knows the movie by heart in English and German...and now French!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

My teacher, my child

It's been a while since I've written on Jessica's blog. It's summer vacation. I try to post every day on my other blogs...but run out of steam for this blog. I'm a little emotional today. We are taking a short trip to Juergen's parents house this weekend (about 5 hours by car). It should be a wonderful family gathering. We are celebrating Jessica's grandmothers 70Th birthday. I would be totally happy, but grandma is sick. She has brain tumors taking over her brain, and she can know longer have surgery. I don't really know how often I will be taking this trip North. The kids (our 5 kids) are too stressful for Juergen's mom. I've been really sad at the idea of not having much more time together. I don't want to be all sad at the party, so I'm trying to cry now...it's not hard, the tears are right there.
I just re read the last post I wrote about Jessica and loss. Some how the reality that this is all grass helps me. Beautiful but fading...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Crying over the loss

Last night I was waiting up late while Juergen picked our daughter Nicole up from school. Her class had gone to a theater, and she was coming home at midnight (late for our 13year old). I was watching CNN just waiting. There was a news story about Andrew Wakefield, a British Dr who made a possible connection with the MMR vaccination and Autism. There were dozens of parents with Autistic children standing in support of Doctor Wakefield and his team. They wore t-shirts that read 1 in 100, symbolising the very large number of children affected by autism in the UK. All of a sudden I began to weep. I remembered the day I signed the vaccination release form, authorizing the 5 vaccinations in one day that pushed Jessica over the edge into this dark world called autism. It kills me that she was "normal", and then she was not. It hurts so bad that her sickness may have been preventable. You could never explain the deep loss I feel. She is almost 16 years old and needs full time care. She still wears diapers, and can not cross a street alone. I'm grateful for her smile, and her laugh. I am happy she is alive, but some times the weight of the loss hits me hard. All I can do is cry. God picks me up and starts to carry me once more. It is only in light of eternity any of this makes sense. We are all grass, and the flowers of the field. We wilt very fast. Why do I hold so dearly the flowers that are wilting?

Thursday, July 12, 2007


We took Jessica to see a DAN (Defeat Autism Now) Dr yesterday. She is the only DAN Dr in all of Germany. I've read the DAN protocol, listened to DAN conference tapes etc. but this was our first trip. The DR lives in a small town about 3 1/2 hours North West of us. That's 7 hours driving for a 2 1/2 hour visit. We were all very tired by the time we made it home. I think it was worth the time! We will have a large number of biomedical tests run. Jessica may or may not need to start a special diet. We have done the Gluten Free Casein Free diet for 5 years and the Specific Carbohydrate Diet for one year. Right now she isn't on a diet. If she doesn't have a leaky gut,or a Gluten morphine, casein morphine problem we may not need to do a special diet. If we must re do a diet, it's the SCD I prefer. She will also be detoxed for heavy metal, but only after the diet issue is settled. Jessica sees the Dr again in September. Jessica is almost 16 years old. It's not realistic to believe any medical help is going to "cure" her from Autism. Still, we believe we should treat every medical issue she has. Over all it will help her feel better and preform at a higher leval. I still pray that God will heal Jessica. If God can raise the dead, He can heal autism!

Thursday, July 05, 2007

The fall into the pit

There are pot holes and there are pits. To this point I had never really fallen into a pit. I had no idea how to handle what was happening, no idea at all. When you run over a pot hole, it shakes you up a little. Some times the pot hole is so large, it can even cause some car damage. That would require a day or so in the shop. But a pit is different. You fall into a dark hole, and when you get up to inspect for damage, you often fall off the ledge even further down. If fact one of the scariest parts about falling into a pit is being in the dark, and never knowing when and if you have really hit the bottom. When Jessica was 18 months old she had 5 immunization shots in one day. I remember asking the nurse if it was a problem that Jessica was sick, and taking antibiotics for an ear infection. I should have used my best instincts and said "no" not today. But they were the medical professionals. I was just a first time mom. What could go wrong? But with in 4 days things went terribly wrong. It has be wrong for 14 years now. Jessica lost her voice. I thought we would just spend some time in the shop, get the car repaired and be back on our way. Instead of getting on the road, I have had the challenge of learning to live my life inside this hole...and I know now I may never be allowed to recover from that fall.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Make a PhotoShow Full Size

What was she like?

She was beautiful. I know everyone thinks that about their child, but it's true. Strangers would stop me on the street, and in the super market. Her hair was blond and her eye brows bushy and dark. Her large eyes were an intense blue. They were deep, like the Mediterranean sea. She loved to flirt with people. We would sit in restaurants and Jessica would capture the attention of everyone around us. She was charming and captivating and funny!
Jessica met or exceeded all her early baby mile stones. Her first words were spoken when she was only 6 months old. We were in Holland on a vacation with Juergens parents. Jess was hungry, and I wasn't feeding her fast enough. She shouted in a loud and demanding voice, "Mama"! It was so loud and clear, Juergen and his parents could hear her from the next room. We were all amazed to hear her speak her first words at age 6 months. None of us knew what a miracle those words were. I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard her speak my name, since she lost her voice. It's really amazing what we all take for granted. Everything in life is a gift. Every word is a gift.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Jessica's Birth

I remember the night before Jessica was born. She was two weeks over due. We had visitors from Germany. They had hoped to see our new daughter. Instead we were out playing miniature golf. I had basically given up on ever having her. Then it happened. I sat up in bed around 1 am and just like a water balloon crashing to the pavement my water broke. From that time on, it was surreal. The drive to the hospital, the heavy contractions, the breathing. She was born the following afternoon in Kaiser Hospital in San Diego. There were a parade of Doctors and nurses. Every few hours the shift would change, and I would have a new Doctor and nurse, and another dozen medical students filing past my half nude body. I guess if I wasn't in so much pain I would have been embarrassed to have so many strangers in my room. That would have required losing my focus. My total focus was on her birth. Nothing else mattered. It never occurred to me she would be born on a wave of autism. In 1991 little was known about autism. Jessica was born with 4 different heart defects. This came as a huge surprise to us. When she finally had surgery at the age of 3 1/2 months, I was certain this was the greatest trail of my life. I've learned since then that that was merely a walk in the park. How could I have imagined myself to be so strong? I think looking back at that simple time I was living in a green house. God wanted to teach me to trust him in the desert. But just as he provided strength, guidance, and provision to his people Israel in the wilderness, God has also been with us. I have been driving Jessica Taxi for 16 years, but God is in the car with me. He often takes a hold of the wheel. When I feel like I can not move even one inch further, He adds some gas to the accelerator. We have come a million miles since those early days our beautiful daughter lost her sweet voice.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Jessica in China

Friday, February 23, 2007

Saturday, February 17, 2007

our jessica

Cool Slideshows

you need to touch the book to change the pages

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Spilled Soda

This morning I had a dream. in my dream we were in a hotel room,probably in China. We are in the process of adopting a 4 year old girl from China and hope to travel soon. Juergen had laid some important documents on the coffee table,and under the table. Unfortunately, there was also a bottle of soda on the table. Jessica poured the soda into a glass. I watched her nervously. She did this fine,but when she laid the bottle back on the table it spilled all over the important papers. Then these words came to my mind... In a normal family, if you put soda near important papers that soda will spill 60% of the time. If you put soda near important papers in our family it will spill 100% of the time!
So what could I learn from this dream?
1. We must be careful 100% of the time! We must always lock the front door so Jessica won't just walk out. We must always lock the kitchen so Jessica does not eat stuff she can not eat. We always have to hold her hand near a street. We must be diligent 100% of the time!
2. This being careful or diligent makes a person tired. We need help! We must have good teachers, and good babysitters, friends and family to help us.
3. Finally, we must learn to not kick ourselves when accidents happen (and they will). You can get angry, sad, you can beat yourself up, kick the dog, yell at your kid or your husband. I have learned to pick up a towel, and try to clean up the soda. I also learn not to put soda near important papers!

Friday, January 19, 2007

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Thursday, January 04, 2007

"Autism Is A World"

Her name is Sue Rubin. She has autism and until the age of 13, she was assumed to be retarded. Now 26, she is in college and lives on her own with assistance from others. "Autism Is A World" is an attempt, she says, "to bring people into my world of autism."
HERE is more information .

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Bernard Rimland died

TIME Magazine

December 11, 2006
Milestones section

DIED. Bernard Rimland, 78, psychologist who pioneered modern autism research and advocacy and founded the Autism Society of America; in El Cajon, Calif. In 1958 Rimland diagnosed autism in his 2-year-old-son Mark with the help of a college textbook. The personal discovery led to a professional crusade. "This was war," he later wrote. In 1964, he published Infantile Autism, a landmark book that argued autism had biochemical roots and upended the then conventional wisdom that it was a child's response to 'refrigerator mothers" who didn't show adequate affection. An adviser to the makers of Rain Man - his son was a model for Dustin Hoffman's Oscar-winning 1988 turn as an autistic savant - Rimland also controversially claimed metals like mercury could trigger autism and vitamins could help treat it.

If it was not for Dr.Rimland, people might think Jessica was autistic because I was a bad mom! I owe him a great deal!

Monday, January 01, 2007

Best day of 2006

I have been thinking about the year 2006. It was a full year...and good year. I had many wonderful moments. I think the best day for me was spent in Thailand. It was our last day in Thailand. It was a little rainy, but warm. We still went to the swimming pool. We were the only ones there. Jessica was so "with us". She laughed with us and interacted with us fully. Her physical coordination was very good. On the way back to our hotel room it began to rain. Jessica ran laughing, giggling across the uneven pavement. I was worried she would fall, but she didn't. She was sure footed, even graceful. At dinner we walked the 5 or more blocks to our favorite restaurant. Again the sidewalks were very uneven. Jessica seemed to master the pavement. It was no problem at all. And days before she would need to be dragged to the restaurant scratching and wining. On this night she walked willingly. Once there she sat contently for an hour...no DVD player! As she returned to the room, over the uneven pavement, I felt like I could cry for joy. I have not seen her so well, so healthy, so all together happy! We are probably traveling soon to China. We are adopting a 4 year old girl. I am sure the airplane ride and first few days in China will be awful! But perhaps we may also see our healthy happy coordinated Jessica too.. Maybe the daily sight seeing,and swimming at the pool brings out the best of Jessica. I can only hope this is true. Getting her to that place of health seems like such allot of work, but once there...it is really something special. I never see her like that at home. At home she is lost. For a brief moment...she was found. She is so amazing when she is found!