Driving Jessica's Taxi: August 2007

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Toy story in French

I was at a 2ND hand shop yesterday. They had the video toy story, one of Jessica's favorites. I picked it up for one euro. When I got home I realized it was in French. Jessica loves it! She wants to watch it day and night. You can hear her laughing out loud and the whole floor shakes because she is jumping up and down for joy. Could she be learning to speak French? She knows the movie by heart in English and German...and now French!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

My teacher, my child

It's been a while since I've written on Jessica's blog. It's summer vacation. I try to post every day on my other blogs...but run out of steam for this blog. I'm a little emotional today. We are taking a short trip to Juergen's parents house this weekend (about 5 hours by car). It should be a wonderful family gathering. We are celebrating Jessica's grandmothers 70Th birthday. I would be totally happy, but grandma is sick. She has brain tumors taking over her brain, and she can know longer have surgery. I don't really know how often I will be taking this trip North. The kids (our 5 kids) are too stressful for Juergen's mom. I've been really sad at the idea of not having much more time together. I don't want to be all sad at the party, so I'm trying to cry now...it's not hard, the tears are right there.
I just re read the last post I wrote about Jessica and loss. Some how the reality that this is all grass helps me. Beautiful but fading...

pot holes and pits

There are pot holes and there are pits. To this point I had never really fallen into a pit. I had no idea how to handle what was happening, no idea at all. When you run over a pot hole, it shakes you up a little. Some times the pot hole is so large, it can even cause some car damage. That would require a day or so in the shop. But a pit is different. You fall into a dark hole, and when you get up to inspect for damage, you often fall off the ledge even further down. If fact one of the scariest parts about falling into a pit is being in the dark, and never knowing when and if you have really hit the bottom. When Jessica was 18 months old she had 5 immunization shots in one day. I remember asking the nurse if it was a problem that Jessica was sick, and taking antibiotics for an ear infection. I should have used my best instincts and said "no" not today. But they were the medical professionals. I was just a first time mom. What could go wrong? But with in 4 days things went terribly wrong. It has be wrong for 19 years now. Jessica lost her voice. I thought we would just spend some time in the shop, get the car repaired and be back on our way. Instead of getting on the road, I have had the challenge of learning to live my life inside this hole...and I know now I may never be allowed to recover from that fall.