Monday, September 07, 2009

Happy 18th birthday Jessica

When I was pregnant with my first child Jessica I imagined she would be beautiful and intelligent. She is both. I never imagined she would be silent. But when my baby was 18 months old she lost her voice to autism. She has never recovered and this a great loss. Tomorrow Jess will turn 18 years old. I could fix my thoughts on what I had hoped for her (independence). She will be 18 years old be she still wears a diaper, can not dress herself, can not walk across a street alone. All of this is sad. Unless God intervenes (and I believe God can step in and change everything) Jessica will never be independent. But I do not fix my thoughts on what she can not do. I choose to thank God for all that she is. Jessica is a sweet, sensitive, loving, intelligent, funny young women. She was so brave to get on an airplane and fly to Thailand. She was also brave to swim in the ocean (something she has always feared). She can read people well. She always gives me a hug when I am sad and makes me laugh. Although many of her dreams are trapped with in a body that does not do what it should, she still dreams. And because I’m her mom and I love her I also dream for her. Jessica has a cold, so we will probably not do much tomorrow. On Saturday I hope to take her shopping because she likes that. I’m sorry she can not speak but you do not need words to love. There are no words to say how much I love her. Happy 18th Birthday Jessica, you are a gift to me and your family. May all your dreams come true!

1 comment:

mom2eliza said...

Oh I'm tearing up for you and for Jessica. I try every day to focus on what my Eliza can do and not on what she can't. The silence is unbearable some days and a God-send on others. You know all of this though. I'm sending you the biggest of mom-hugs that I can. I feel your pain of the haunting memories of all that you thought you'd experience with first-time motherhood. It is a loss and grief beyond words when your child is held captive by something we can't protect them from or change for them. You have given Jessica your unconditional love and devotion and she is beautiful, smart and happy because of that. You are an incredible mother. Happy birthday Jessica from a mother who hopes to be half of the mother to her non-verbal daughter as your mother is to you. High 5 on turning 18!!!