Friday, June 11, 2010

Just keep moving…do not park the car here…just keep moving!

A good friend has a daughter that was an exchange student in America. She just returned 2 days ago. I spoke with her yesterday. She speaks perfect English now. She even got her high school diploma this year. She is so confident and graceful. All grown up. I was so happy to see her. But Jessica who is a year older then Maria was waiting in the car. Jess can not talk, she still wears a diaper, and she can not cross the street safely alone, let alone go to another country for a year. I wasn’t so much jealous as I was hit by another deep feeling of real loss. My baby will never be an exchange student, and it really hurts to realize what I’ve lost…what she has lost to autism. It rained hard this morning. You can not stop the rain, and you can not stop the feelings of grief and loss when they hit you. But after you feel the loss, you have to keep living. I am very quick to start counting my blessings. I have zero power to gain back what has been taken from me. I could roll here in the mud but it will not give Jessica back her voice. I believe in God, and I believe in a heaven where all my tears will be wiped away. I may never know why my baby girl got sick. That doesn’t matter to me anymore. I don’t need to know. I just need to keep moving forward. I can not park my car at this point of grief and loss. Instead I will keep traveling towards my home, a place where she will be whole. I get into so much trouble when I compare my life to others. I need the grace to love who I am and simply love who she is. She is so beautiful.

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